Why do I react like this? How past experiences can shape the present…

Have you ever found yourself reacting strongly to something and thought, “Why does this affect me so much?” Maybe you notice the same patterns appearing in your relationships. Perhaps you find it hard to trust people, struggle to say no, fear being rejected, or feel responsible for everyone else’s wellbeing.

Sometimes, what is happening in the present is connected to experiences from the past.

From a very young age, we begin learning about ourselves, other people and the world around us. Our learned behaviours can stem from moments in time, before we could even talk.

“Well, who cares? If I can’t remember it, it doesn’t affect me.” I hear that a lot. But really think about that for a moment…

Imagine you’re riding a bike along a familiar stretch of road and you nearly collide with a vehicle. Even if nothing physically happens, it would be understandable if you felt nervous about getting back on the bike again and perhaps even more nervous about riding along that same stretch of road.

That response is not necessarily a conscious decision. It is a feeling. Your body and mind have made an association between that experience and danger.

We also know that we experienced feelings long before we had the language to describe them. In our preverbal years, we still felt hunger, fear, comfort, distress, happiness and connection.

So sometimes, we may have an emotional response to something in the present that feels bigger than the situation itself. That response may be connected to an earlier experience we cannot clearly remember, or to something that sits outside our conscious awareness.

You may have seen Freud’s iceberg image used to explain this idea. The small part above the water represents what we are consciously aware of. What lies beneath the surface sits much more. Our thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences that may still influence us without always being immediately accessible.

Perhaps some of what we carry sits there, beneath the waterline?

We learn whether it feels safe to express our emotions. We learn whether our needs are likely to be met. We learn what happens when we make mistakes, disagree with someone, ask for help or show vulnerability.

Some of these lessons are spoken to us directly. Others are absorbed quietly over time.

You might have learned that being helpful kept the peace. That being strong meant people did not worry about you. That expressing anger caused conflict. That your needs were less important than everyone else’s. Or maybe you learned that closeness could sometimes lead to disappointment, hurt or rejection.

And those early lessons can show up in all sorts of ways later in life. Perhaps they made you resilient and fiercely independent. Maybe you became the person everyone else relies on, or you find it hard to ask for help, because somewhere along the way you learned that needing other people didn’t always feel safe.

Sometimes the very things that helped us cope or protected us in the past can become the patterns that make life harder in the here and now.

And guess what, there’s not necessarily anything wrong with that if its serving you perfectly well. But if it’s no longer helping you, It may simply mean that an old way of protecting yourself is still doing its job, even when you don’t need it in quite the same way. The very thing that once protected you can begin to limit you.

Counselling can offer a space to gently explore this. Not to blame the past. Not to blame parents, partners or ourselves. But to understand.

Why understanding the past can help

When we understand why we respond in a particular way, something important can begin to shift.

The conversation really changes when we can swap this sentence out: "Why am I like this?"
For this one: "What happened that taught me I needed to respond like this?"

So, someone who describes themselves as controlling may discover that uncertainty once felt unsafe. Or someone who constantly cares for others may realise that being needed became closely connected to feeling valued.

So, what now?

The past influences us, but it does not have to define us. Counselling can help with getting curious about what’s going on for you. It’s not about making excuses but it’s about having awareness.

And awareness can create choice.

When we understand our patterns, we may become more able to notice them as they happen and decide whether they are still serving us.

So, let’s think about the bike incident again.

Imagine you want to ride again, but now you feel fearful. We can notice that fear, understand where it may have come from, and acknowledge that it makes sense in the context of what happened. But we can also begin to recognise something important: feelings are not always facts.

Feeling unsafe does not necessarily mean that you are unsafe. Feeling that something will go wrong does not mean that it will. The fear is real, and it deserves to be listened to, but it does not always have to make the decision for you.

So perhaps, when you feel ready, you get back on the bike. Maybe only for a short distance at first. Maybe you avoid that particular stretch of road for a while. Over time, with new experiences, your mind and body can begin to learn that riding a bike does not always lead to danger.

And perhaps that is something we can apply to other areas of our lives too.

If you recognise yourself in any of this, counselling may give you a space to explore it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. And if you need to - reach out, let’s talk…